When your loved one dies, you receive cards, gifts, money, meals, help with household chores, prayers, emotional support, etc. It would be very hard to survive sorrow-filled days without help. When life is going well it's no problem to sit down and write a "thank you", but when you're grieving it's not so easy. Not only do you lack physically and emotional energy to perform the task, but you don't just have a few to write - generally you have a lot! What's a griever to do?

Not everybody expects a thank you note. Almost everybody will understand if you don't send one. But let's face it, those meals and money were really very helpful, and it would have been a more difficult road without the tenderness and emotional support you received. Those things came from friends and family members who cared about you and sacrificed their time and their materials for you. Even though they probably won't mind (there may be a few who would), I believe that thank-you notes probably should be sent - not so much for the supporter but for the griever.

People in grief get tired of 'taking' all the time. We have no choice at first, but there's a point in time when you want to offer something back. Thank you notes are a little thing you can do to encourage those who took time to minister to your needs.

Before I ever lost anybody I loved, I didn't minister to those who were hurting - I felt nervous about being around them - I was scared I would say or do the wrong thing. I avoided hurting people. After I lost a child and watched people in action, I told myself I would minister any chance I could - I would make every effort to make a difference in the life of someone who was suffering.

It is a beautiful sacrifice of love when someone takes time to prepare a meal or sacrifices by sending you money. It's an act of sincere compassion when somebody picks out a gift that somehow symbolizes your love for the one your lost or writes a poem or paints a picture. These acts of kindness aren't done for recognition, but when they receive it, it encourages more good works - it says "Good job! You made a difference!"

Friendships/relationships are give and take (receive)...sometimes we do more giving and other times we do more receiving. Sacrifice is what makes relationships so beautiful. While others are sacrificing for you - if you write these thank-you notes (especially while still hurting so badly), others will view it as a beautiful sacrifice because they will know what an effort it took and it will touch their hearts too.

It's a tedious task but you'll feel a sense of accomplishment if you do it. Here are some ideas to make the task easier.

• Type a common "thank you" note for everybody. (See a copy of one of ours by clicking on this link.) You can use a standard thank you - but I wouldn't. I would create your own (if you can) - a personal note touches people's lives with more depth. Use this trial and sorrow to make a difference in somebody else's life.
  • Add a picture of your loved one that died.

  • Handwrite a personal note (a short one is fine) to go with the typed letter when you feel led (on the same paper or on a separate piece of paper, depending on how much you want to say).

  • Use this note as an opportunity to talk about your loved one, but also use it as an opportunity to deliver hope. After all, your loss is an example of how short life can be - people will be thinking about eternity - you'll feel better as you minister - finding purpose in your pain.

  • Put meaningful/hopeful verses in your letter (for you and for those receiving it).

• If you don't like (or don't have energy for) the detail work, ask somebody to gather addresses and type them and sort them alphabetically (Excel works well for this). This will be a huge help to you. The list will also be something you can put with all your keepsakes so you can remember who was involved - and you can contact them at a later date if you feel led to.

• Have somebody address the envelopes. That's an easy thing for somebody to help with - even one of your older children might enjoy being able to do this to be useful. Kids like to keep busy - it might actually be a good "no brainer" activity for you too. Just depends on you - some people would like it, some wouldn't.

• Pick out some beautiful picture or verse stickers and place one on each envelope (somebody else can buy them for you but you should put them on yourself because it will give you an opportunity to do something easy that isn't painful in and of itself.

  Phil. 1:3 "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..."